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Decision to be made

Updated: Feb 25

I decided that there is a decision to make in my life. Now. No waiting. It has to do with how I live the rest of my life. 


My health was a major issue for me the last couple of years. At the height, I was dizzy, had memory issues, vision issues, ‘brain fog’ – meaning that it was difficult for me to take in information in any form and understand it clearly, unexplained weight gain that was way outside my normal trend, and the fatigue I felt was indescribable. How I continued to hold down a full-time job is still a mystery to me, but I credit my manager at the time. He allowed me to work from home whenever I needed so I could take breaks. My days were longer, but I got it done. Essentially, I worked and slept and did my best to get my dog outside when she needed it. I could fake health if I had a social engagement. I just needed a week to recover. 


Diagnosing everything that was going on took another 7-8 months and a whole lot of fighting my primary to take me seriously and test what I believed needed to be tested and to send me to the specialists I felt I needed to see. By the end of June, I had four issues: vitamins B-12 and D deficiencies, iron deficiency, and hypothyroidism. 


Last Friday, I saw a new primary in my new town, and she ordered all the tests to make sure my levels are still holding. I admit – I am anxious and on the border of scared. The last couple weeks haven’t been terrific and I’ve started experiencing dizziness again. I’m still tired, but the doctors all felt that it would take several months to get everything back in check, including building up my stamina for activity. 


I realize that I am still living partly on my old schedule. I close up shop early evening and stay away from exercise. I am still paranoid over every ‘blip’ in my health. It took so long to clear up all my symptoms: One thing would be diagnosed, treated, some symptoms clear up or get better, but some remained. Then another round of specialists and tests--- repeat. In my gut, I am sure we got it all, but my head still acts unconvinced/fearful.


The day of the blood draws, I made a decision that I needed to make a decision. I have been living my life in parenthesis. Living, and making a ton of changes and progress for sure, but still tentative. Worried that I might overdo it and then be sacked out for days.


Decision: do I let tests dictate how I live? Do I let my health influence my decisions on how to live in the world? OR – do I decide that enough is enough… we all have health issues. Yes, mine sidelined me for well over a year, but I know what’s going on and it’s treated. My levels will need to be monitored, but everything is treated. I am fortunate… so fortunate. I ended up with answers that are easily treatable. I can continue to live as I choose. So many others can’t. I didn’t let depression define me, so why would I let these define me?


That is my decision then. The results will come back and if I need to tweak medications, then so be it. I was warned that would happen at some point, so it’s not a big deal if that is the case already. I have a choice to live as I want. I have a choice to push my limits until I do crash – and then I will know my limit at this point. I am not these diagnoses. I have these diagnoses.  


I am ME, and that means I can take whatever color I want out of my crayon box and color away without lines. 


Decision made. 

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